I think for women who don't have great childhoods ...and rush into relationships young...it makes sense that individuation would be delayed. Only in the past few years have I learned it's OK to have my own preferences and inconvenience my husband. I used to go along with so many things just to avoid conflict.
Hi Joy, yes, exactly. For me, it was the fear of being wrong. Picking the wrong thing, making the wrong choice, being found out for being dumb, foolish. And yes, in codependency, when one is forced to vigilantly monitor the emotional landscape of others’ for their very survival, self-love, self-honoring, and self-respect go out the window.
Well, I'd read your memoir in a heartbeat. I already love your writing, and you've published an incredible amount. You just outlined what the memoir is about: "the scared little girl I was, the confused teen, the terrified young adult, the grieving mother." Keep going!
What an inspirational essay, Christiana. I think of individuation as an ideal goal, one that (at least for me) can be attained in small parts (baby steps?). I’ve had to break everything into smaller, attainable mini-goals my entire adult life. Very moving, thanks for sharing and great to hear from you✌️
And, yes, he is. I appreciate the sentiment, but I can't take too much credit. My son was born this way, and he also works very hard on himself. He's been watching self-improvement videos on YouTube for years, meditates, and really "does the work." He is an inspiration. :)
Love these baby steps! Individuating seems to take FOREVER for some of us (myself included & I’m 59)… no shame in that. Many people aren’t even aware that they haven’t done it! Glad to hear self-compassion has started to enter the room. You’re doing the dang thing!! ✨💪🏼✨
Hi Christy, Thanks for your hopeful “baby steps”. Bit by bit, building a life all your own. I am currently reading Heart the Lover.. so funny coincidence. Reading your idea about the library and having a ritual of writing with pencil and notebooks inspired me.
I used to visit my Mom's grave in the nearby pioneer graveyard and put pebbles on it. After a few years of this, I was driving home, and I said, "Mom, toss me a bone," or something like that. And her melodious voice came to me, "I'm right here, Darling." Ever since, when I'm walking the forest behind the place where I was born, grew up, and still live, her house just through the forest from mine, I talk with her. She sends wisdom and love every day.
I think for women who don't have great childhoods ...and rush into relationships young...it makes sense that individuation would be delayed. Only in the past few years have I learned it's OK to have my own preferences and inconvenience my husband. I used to go along with so many things just to avoid conflict.
Hi Joy, yes, exactly. For me, it was the fear of being wrong. Picking the wrong thing, making the wrong choice, being found out for being dumb, foolish. And yes, in codependency, when one is forced to vigilantly monitor the emotional landscape of others’ for their very survival, self-love, self-honoring, and self-respect go out the window.
Well, I'd read your memoir in a heartbeat. I already love your writing, and you've published an incredible amount. You just outlined what the memoir is about: "the scared little girl I was, the confused teen, the terrified young adult, the grieving mother." Keep going!
What an inspirational essay, Christiana. I think of individuation as an ideal goal, one that (at least for me) can be attained in small parts (baby steps?). I’ve had to break everything into smaller, attainable mini-goals my entire adult life. Very moving, thanks for sharing and great to hear from you✌️
Mini-goals, yes! Thank you, Rob. I just may make that my mantra this week. :)
Your son sounds amazing, which in some way is a reflection of you!
And, yes, he is. I appreciate the sentiment, but I can't take too much credit. My son was born this way, and he also works very hard on himself. He's been watching self-improvement videos on YouTube for years, meditates, and really "does the work." He is an inspiration. :)
Thank you, dear Coco! :)
Love these baby steps! Individuating seems to take FOREVER for some of us (myself included & I’m 59)… no shame in that. Many people aren’t even aware that they haven’t done it! Glad to hear self-compassion has started to enter the room. You’re doing the dang thing!! ✨💪🏼✨
Yes, doin' the dang thing, indeed! Thank you for your supportive words, Marie-Elizabeth! XO
Hi Christy, Thanks for your hopeful “baby steps”. Bit by bit, building a life all your own. I am currently reading Heart the Lover.. so funny coincidence. Reading your idea about the library and having a ritual of writing with pencil and notebooks inspired me.
Riveted by the vulnerability here...thought of those sweet daughter nicknames...Chinabear, anyone? Are we our own daughters?
Are we our own daughters indeed. And what would that mean, if true?
For me it means inventing a sweetly reliable mom inside and treating myself like that:) Calling myself sweetheart, c-bird, sugarbear, little monkey.
I used to visit my Mom's grave in the nearby pioneer graveyard and put pebbles on it. After a few years of this, I was driving home, and I said, "Mom, toss me a bone," or something like that. And her melodious voice came to me, "I'm right here, Darling." Ever since, when I'm walking the forest behind the place where I was born, grew up, and still live, her house just through the forest from mine, I talk with her. She sends wisdom and love every day.