Did you know you can saute nuts? I mean, of course you can. You can saute anything. That’s one of the joys of learning to cook, of finally letting the lessons of cooking settle into your bones—you just go off-road. You find you can do these things without a recipe. You can put together a meal, or a snack, without a lot of fanfare. You know roughly what you need in your pantry, and you generally have it. And then you make something to sustain yourself and your family. Your friends too.
In my case, I’m doing a little experiment, it seems. I didn’t formally decide to do this experiment… it just sort of happened, or evolved. It started when I got the dreaded COVID in January. I was sick for a couple of weeks, with residual effects for a couple more after that. One of the main effects, however, was the famed loss of taste and smell. In my case, that meant food held less interest. And, I lost the stubborn 10 or 15 (or more? According to the doctor’s scale, it was even more, but I deny it) pounds I’d gained during the pandemic. All those nights making cocktails and watching Downton Abbey, I suppose.
Having a flat stomach again was fun, a revelation. Being able to put on my jeans without having love handles flop over the sides at my waist was also fun. But more interesting perhaps was that food became less of a preoccupation for me, and that has turned out to be interesting.
A number of other factors are at work. My life is pretty disrupted at the moment, and not just by my illness. After COVID, I had some dental issues. They were expensive, but they’re behind me now. They also necessitated eating very little that week. Food held even less interest. Then, I began some long-overdue renovations on my house. And they are terrifically, terrifyingly expensive. Like can’t-catch-your-breath expensive.
They also necessitated me to move out of my house into my son’s apartment, which is where I write you from now. With a little dish of spiced walnuts by my side, walnuts I rescued yesterday from my pantry where the container they were in was covered in a layer of pale contractor dust. I carefully wiped down and opened the container and poured those nuts into a glass container.
Then, last night and this morning, I made spiced nuts. I’d never made them this way before or without a recipe. But once you realize that cooking is simply applying heat to food, you understand that any method works. Baking, broiling, roasting, sauteing, searing, etc.: applying heat to food.
I poured a couple of glugs of olive oil in my medium-sized cast iron pan and turned the heat to medium-low. I tossed a couple of handfuls of nuts in, added a few hearty pinches of salt, several grindings of black pepper, a couple of tablespoons of sugar, a few dashes of cayenne pepper and cumin, and let the nuts brown, stirring them around from time to time till they looked yummy. I can’t say they smelled yummy because I still can’t smell.
I had these for dinner last night with two slices of sourdough bread from a local bakery and the leftover rice, Japanese sweet potato, kale, and carrots I’d made a couple of nights before. It was a perfect dinner. Easy, nourishing, and relatively affordable.
I made another batch of the nuts this morning, and they are so good, so satisfying. My daughter’s best friend Caroline always toasts her nuts. She says she learned that from me. It’s true, I say it a lot. “Always toast your nuts. They are so much better that way.” It touches me that this young woman will go forward into her life remembering I taught her this small thing. Perhaps that will be my legacy.
You see, these are small things. Small things we can do to not only sustain ourselves, but bring joy, beauty, and balance into our lives. To self-nurture.
Because, what I really want to say is that a change has come over me. Getting COVID brought some gifts. I suddenly feel my privilege. In fact, I feel embarrassed. I feel I’ve had enough fine dining to last me a lifetime. I don’t need or want that any more. I want to cultivate modesty, live more lightly on the land. After years of fantasizing about living somewhere (Italy, Spain, Mexico) more cheaply so I could retire earlier, I have flipped that notion on its head.
I changed my mind. I now want to keep working, develop more income streams, make some things happen, leave a legacy. I want to buy a multi-family property with my son, move into a modest one-bedroom, and rent my home in Oakland. I want to continue improving my financial literacy (which I came to late) and travel right here in Oakland, something I’m doing quite a bit of now. I want to continue to buy the bare minimum in groceries and find I can stretch the food for two weeks. I want to save money, radically.
These are all good changes. I’d been feeling weird and guilty about the notion of burning jet fuel. Running away to Europe or Latin America is not the answer. Building right here, where I have roots, family, and friends, feels better and more appropriate. It doesn’t mean I can’t travel or live abroad later—but for now, I want to hold my horses. Calm down, cultivate appreciation, meditate more, feel my privilege, help others. Chill out a little bit.
These easy spiced nuts are part of that program. Discovering that I don’t need most of the garbage our consumerist society is pushing my way is a revelation. Realizing—and truly feeling and understanding—that there are immigrants, migrants, and refugees living a stone’s throw from me here in Oakland supporting children and elders and family back home on far less than I earn… fills me with awe.
I’m absurdly privileged. Many of us are. We don’t need the brunches, the $4.50 cappuccinos, the hot springs, the massages, the vacations. In our yoga class last week, we gave ourselves massages. Self-massage. It was great.
For now, the task is developing self-sufficiency, integrity, modesty, humility, and appreciation. And maybe honing my gaze so I can see past my privilege to the needs of others who are hurting.
Sorry to hear you started the new year with some health "hiccups" (I had the flue for three weeks between Christmas and mid January, so much fun).
Your reflections are always thought provoking, Christy. So many things to do and try in life, and a personal ethic to discover and stick to. What a fascinating journey. Reading your words reminded me of Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach, have you read it by any chance? I think you'll love it.
I love this essay. I’ve been doing a version of this in my own city of Oakland, after visiting only trendy parts reflexively for decades. It’s thrilling and humbling.